Blowjob High

Character is crushing but will she be crushed in the process?

Chapter 1 - So Popular

For Sarah being popular was easy. That’s what people liked about Sarah, firstly, she was attractive with her hair and popularity both being way off the charts. Beyond that though she was cooler than everyone. Almost everyone agreed they were excited to hang out with her, even when they didn’t show it. Sarah could tell because they had their mouth open and feet pointed towards Sarah which clearly shows interest. But Sarah had a secret that even her boyfriend Chad didn’t know, she didn’t like peaches, and seeing as peaches were the fruit of the year, that was a really very very super hard thesaurus to deal with. 

Sarah went to a school called Blowjob High, and this school sure had some characters. First among them was Frida who was not attractive with bad hair and popularity way under the charts. Unfortunately for Frida she wasn’t even smart like Sarah, because attractive people are also really smart too. When people are smart, people buy them books, but no one buys books for people who they don’t want to ever see again. This was a popular theory at school because Sarah came up with it. Frida and Sarah didn’t really get along, because opposites don’t attract, thinking that people are magnets are part of the dumb logic that stupid people like Frida use all the time to comfort themselves. Secondly there was Chad, everyone knew he was Sarah’s boyfriend which was the coolest thing to be.

Chapter 2 - Date Plans

The school’s war memorial dance was happening next week and everyone was still reeling from Chad’s death from cancer in the weekend. No one could understand why such a champion had risked everything by smoking a whole cigarette just so he could get into Cigarette House, the most successful fraternity in the world. Sarah needed to find a new boyfriend, and fast! But all her friends were too busy buying dresses or something. How was Sarah going to find a new boyfriend when she didn’t have any friends to walk up to the boy and ask what they thought about Sarah?

Sarah noticed that every boy in the school was looking at her, but she had feigned humbleness so often that she couldn’t act on it. She really liked one this one guy, Chad, he was the quarterback of the ultimate frisbee team now that Chad had died, but she couldn’t just ask him out like an older woman who needed to get knocked up quick. After astronomy on Monday she was going to walk up to Chad but she thought about a downy kid who would always have snot running down his face and into his mouth and was too disgusted to even look at him.

Chapter 3 - An Opportunity

Sarah was staring into her starbucks coffee and feeling pretty low. This was probably what it was like for dad when he got caught making those ladies wash his car and had to sleep on the couch for a whole week. Frida walked in the door just as Sarah was thinking about how unjust the world was that day. Frida was still not attractive with bad hair and popularity that continued to be way under the charts, but unfortunately for Sarah this was a pretty busy day for Starbucks. Starbucks had grown from a regional coffee operator in the Pacific Northwest to a large multinational chain though positioning itself as the most appealing operator in smaller markets. It wasn’t necessarily that Starbucks was good, it was just that for those living in a small town it was good enough. Once Starbucks had a large enough customer base it finally started to leverage its ubiquity, now it wasn’t that it was good, it’s that coffee there was consistent and it was consistently there. That was why “Starbucks - When you can’t be bothered to try” had become such a popular slogan for the brand. Being a drug and a brand it forms a strong habit, and for the addicted masses like Frida and Sarah it allowed a small degree of sophistication to be added to their day at Blowjob High.

When Frida sat down opposite Sarah she was shocked, even though there wasn’t another seat, did Frida have no shame? But there was something weird going on, Frida didn’t seem to care at all about Sarah. What followed was a snarky and standoffish conversation in which Frida bested Sarah with her cultured and cutting observations. Sarah, finding herself less cool without a crowd of people around her to agree she was cool, wasn’t threatened but was definitely caught feeling a loss of control. As Frida stood up Sarah decided to take a huge gamble and check if the power dynamic was working for her by asking her if she could help her find a boyfriend.

Chapter 4 - She Said Yes!

That night Sarah couldn’t stop the flutters of excitement as thought about her new winglady, the one that wasn’t like anyone else before. Would Frida be able to find the boy that had been evading Sarah all along? For Sarah she had always been able to have any boy she wanted but it just never worked out. First of all there was Chad, who had died of sharks when he jumped into the Lake, he was great but just didn’t make her feel excited at all like any of the Chad’s since. And since him there has been many, blowjobs, but none of them had felt satisfying for Sarah.

By the afternoon of the next day Sarah was surprised that Frida hadn’t contacted her about her generous offer, it was really Sarah who was giving Frida the huge favor. But at 11:21PM on Sunday night, right when Sarah though she would, Frida showed up at her windows and climbed in. Sarah asked for Fridas boyfriend report, which was met with confusion. Frida didn’t seem to remember that Sarah’s boyfriend needs were urgent, it was probably the drunkenness that Frida was so obviously experiencing which made her so forgetful and huggy. Just before Frida passed out in Sarah’s bed she finally suggested a super cool friend of hers, Padge Saunders, who was able to write computer code, which was pretty cool and really very thesaurus.

Chapter 5 - The Dance

It was the day of the dance and Sarah told everyone at school that she would be dancing the night away with someone from the neighbouring school, Eyjafjallajökull Tech. Sarah was so excited because going to the memorial dance with a blind date was a totally unexpected surprise which would pay off for sure. When Frida picked her up though she realised it was a horrible mistake, Padge was wearing a suit from the 1980s which was definitely not cool and he was obviously a poor. At the dance things continued to suck. He would come over and say stupid things that didn’t make sense and were definitely not cool. It was a nightmare, and one that every single one of Sarah's friends were invited to.

Sarah went outside to calm down and listened to the crickets chirping over distant music, she was quickly joined by Frida who sat beside her in silence. Frida started to speak just as the crickets stopped, as if filling natures awkward silence “You know how I knew it wouldn’t work out with Padge?” she queried, “Where do I start?” replied Sarah “The suit, the dumb conversations...” she was interrupted by Frida “No, it’s the man” Frida leaned in and scissored aggressively. Sarah knew immediately that night would be her last at Blowjob High.